Kurt Under Pressure
Excerpt from the documentary The Struggle Never Ends: Nirvana’s Pop Years (2014)
*grainy audio recording of Kurt Cobain*
KURT COBAIN: I’m just sick of this world man. That song is just… ringing in my ears… all the time. These people think I’m some sort of clown at a fuckin’ circus…
*cuts to Krist Novoselic*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: Going into the mainstream was always sort of an experiment to us. An experiment to test if all those… simpletons, to put it kindly, would stomach what kinda shit we concoct or if they would just… puke it all out like bleh! *makes disgusted face towards interviewer*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: But after Teen Spirit and especially Yodel - we would just get sick of this. Like, we got together to make music and have fun. We didn’t care if we were gonna be the next Led Zeppelin or the next Aerosmith - but now people thought that’s all we were - just another gang of wild boys looking to get laid.[1]
*cuts to old camcorder recording of the band in a car, camera is in back seats facing the front, with Kurt slouched in shotgun*
*The Yodel Song starts playing on car radio*
KURT COBAIN: *drunken* God….. that goddamn song really is ringin’ in my ears.
*cuts to Dave Grohl*
DAVE GROHL: Every time I saw Kurt during those 3 months - I don’t think he was happy at all - he looked miserable. But who could blame him, you know. By the time we put out Yodel the paparazzi were really getting on our ass, but they were straight fucking Kurt.
DAVE GROHL: During this time, Kurt would get calls from Eric Stefani - asking him to make more songs for Ren & Stimpy. Usually, Kurt would respond by violently slamming the phone down to send a message.
*cuts to Eric Stefani*
ERIC STEFANI: I never had the intention of bothering Kurt. If anyone, it was actually the executives at Nickelodeon who were pushing for more Ren & Stimpy collaborations. Herb Scannell in particular - who was Nick’s executive vice president - made it a point that Yodelin’ Yaks brought Nick’s ratings to new heights and saved John Kricfalusi’s career. So because of that, the man was really pushing for another Yodelin’ Yaks - like at least two more. How we would even achieve that, we didn’t know.[2]
*cuts back to Krist Novoselic*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: And of course, Kurt’s heroin issues got worse. Kurt was a druggie for a long time - mostly due to his depression and chronic stomach pain.[3] But with how widespread The Yodel Song got - he just began to disassociate from reality a lot more. It was his escape from reality - ‘cause reality was misery to him.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: During this time, our direction was stuck at crossroads - either keep going with the more pop oriented schtick, or go back to our punk roots. “Yodelin’ Yaks” made the band a ton of money, but it pissed off a lot punk fanatics who thought Kurt lost his “punk cred”.[4] And whether or not we would go back to basics depended on how Kurt would respond to Nickelodeon’s demands.
*Grainy video recording of the band playing an early version of “Rape Me” in a rather run-down house starts, date reads NOV 2 1992 in VHS text*
KURT COBAIN: *slurred, low voice* Rape me
KURT COBAIN: Rape me, my friend
KURT COBAIN: Rape me
KURT COBAIN: Rape me again
KRIST NOVOSELIC: *narration over footage* One night of these rehearsals, we would practice material for either album we would make - when Kurt showed up even higher than ever before. Even though Kurt grew to hate The Yodel Song - he still thought it would be interesting to go in a more folkish direction and branch out. But on this particular night, Kurt felt like a ghost.
KURT COBAIN: *in video recording, abruptly stops after performing and early version of "The Watchman"* Guys, guys, I gotta take a piss for a sec.
DAVE GROHL: Yeah sure, go ahead.
*Kurt stumbles away down hallway to the left of camera’s view, Krist tunes the bass, while Dave practices drums*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: *narration over footage* Of course, it wasn’t just a sec. Not even a minute. It was more like… 30 minutes. We didn’t think about checking earlier - as Kurt kept moaning - making us think he was just wearing off his heroin. After a while, we knew something went wrong, so we had to go check on Kurt. We struggled to get the door open as Kurt for some reason locked it shut, so Dave and I had to get the keys to unlock it.
*screen fades to black*
*white text reads: “The following footage may be considered disturbing by many viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.”*
*the camcorder points down at the floor with the door ahead, shaking*
*hand are clasping the door knob while holding something*
DAVE GROHL: - gonna go wrong. He’s losing it man.
*door flies open, revealing Kurt lying over side of filled bathtub unconcious, blood-stained vomit on the floor and in the tub*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: Kurt, what are you - holy shit! What the hell!
DAVE GROHL: Oh god. *runs to Kurt, heaves his unconscious body partway out of tub* Call a doctor!
KRIST NOVOSELIC: No! We’ll draw attention! We gotta resu -
*cuts off by camcorder drops on floor and rattles*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: *unintelligible*
DAVE GROHL: I’ll get the towels.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: Okay, help me get him out.
DAVE & KRIST: 3… 2… 1…
*water splashes and a thump is heard*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: *voice quivers* It’s okay Kurt. Everything is gonna be okay.
*cuts back to Krist Novoselic, visibly uncomfortable*
KRIST NOVOSELIC: L..L..Long… story short, we managed to resuscitate Kurt after he overdosed on heroin. Though this definitely wasn’t the first time Kurt had a life-threatening overdose - the fact that this was after his horrible mood from all that exposure - really shook us.[5] We almost lost Kurt.
*cuts to Dave Grohl*
DAVE GROHL: When it became clear that Kurt was alive, I pulled Krist aside and told him, “The heroin’s gotta go. We can’t let Kurt ruin himself. He needs help.” So we convinced Kurt to place himself in a drug rehab facility.
*cuts to montage of Nirvana memorabilia and album covers*
NARRATOR: According to testimony from band members, Kurt would spend just over 6 weeks in rehab trying to wean away his addiction to heroin. Doctors from Kurt’s visit at the facility remarked that he had cooperated well with instructions. However, other patients claimed that Kurt found the whole place to be quite insufferable to spend his time in. Upon his request, he would be let go on December 15, 1992. The rest of the band would celebrate Kurt becoming “clean” by going out for dinner together.
*cuts to Dave Grohl*
DAVE GROHL: Something interesting I also remember from that celebration was that Kurt preferred to appear in public under the alter ego “Rex Cage”. I of course found that odd - kinda like he’s some sort of dinosaur wrestler, or something like that. Kurt would tell me that he was inspired by working with John Kricfalusi, and how “anytime he saw a product he didn’t like, he would change his name to Raymond Spüm, his alter ego.” On one hand, it made me happy that Kurt was adjusting to all that attention by hiding himself. But on the other hand, what exactly did that say about the type of people Kurt was working with at Nickelodeon?
*cuts to images of marijuana and used heroin on the table as the camera pans to right*
NARRATOR: However, rehabilitation would be a far rockier road for Kurt Cobain to take. After a couple of weeks, Krist Novoselic would uncover the façade.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: While we were having another one of our rehearsals, we were taking a break and eating some lunch when I went to use the bathroom. Apparently, the door was not shut all the way because I accidentally walked in on Kurt doing heroin in the bathroom. And I was just like, *motions hands forward* “Kurt, we need to talk.”
KRIST NOVOSELIC: So we went into the living room and I was all like, “Kurt, Dave and I aren’t your parents and we don’t get to decide your personal life, but we’re getting really concerned about your habits.” Long story short, I basically told him that we can tolerate other drugs like marijuana and LSD and alcohol, but heroin was off the table. Kurt of course told me that he did use marijuana and LSD in his youth, but moved on to harder drugs like heroin.[6] He did however tell me that he could go back to those if he could get addicted to some other drug.
KRIST NOVOSELIC: That was a lot tougher to think of than it actually sounded, given that most hard drugs really fuck up your mental state. Cocaine and crack are obviously a no-go, alcohol on its own was too weak for Kurt’s tastes, and overall I didn’t immediately think of something. Then it hit me: Psilocybin. It’s something that as far as I know Kurt’s never really tried, it’s a great hallucinogen, and even has some health benefits like relieving stress and anxiety… I think. I told him about psilocybin, and he was surprisingly open about taking it. He even told me that he was “getting too used and jaded to heroin anyways.” I’m not exactly sure whether it was meant to comfort me, or whether it was just Kurt fooling us again. The only problems regarding psilocybin was that it was illegal, but what the hell - pretty much everything Kurt took was illegal.
*cuts to Dave Grohl*
DAVE GROHL: We managed to get some shrooms from dealers in Los Angeles - who were supposedly so impressed by Nirvana and Kurt Cobain that they made them free just for us. Kurt made it his New Year’s resolution to “just chill out and become some sort of worm, feedin’ on the shrooms.” And after a couple of weeks - I think it actually worked. Kurt finally stopped worrying and simply sat back and made some music.
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Phone Call by Eric Stefani to Kurt Cobain
Recorded phone call on January 17, 1993
*phone ringing*
*message beep*
ERIC STEFANI: Hey Kurt, just calling you one last time to ask if you can make at least two more songs for Ren & Stimpy. It’s okay if you -
KURT COBAIN: Yeah sure, I’ll write some tunes.
ERIC STEFANI: Wait, really?
KURT COBAIN: Yeah man, really.
ERIC STEFANI: Great! I’ll let John K. and Nickelodeon know you’re willing to write the songs. They were the ones really wanting to call you.
KURT COBAIN: Yeah. Everybody wants some of the great Kurt Cobain - unofficial spokesman of this generation.[7] *sarcasm*
ERIC STEFANI: You weren’t mad at me for bugging you, were you?
KURT COBAIN: Ah nah, I get a ton of spam calls on my phone all the time.
ERIC STEFANI: Me too! Anyways, I’ll let the network execs know and we’ll figure out what the next episodes of Yander the Yak will look like.
KURT COBAIN: Sounds good, I already got some ideas for the more folkish direction. I’m thinking of some song like “The Watchman” about a bounty hunter - or somethin’ like that.
ERIC STEFANI: Sounds great! We’ll talk about it next time we meet. See ya!
KURT COBAIN: See ya!
*phone line hangs up*
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[1] Although the band had influences from 70s hard rock/arena rock bands like Led Zeppelin and Aerosmith, the band - and especially Kurt - always preferred the more authentic and personal club performances.
[2] Though the nature of capitalism pretty much dictates that eventually media companies will have to rely on safe, low risk, lowest-common-denominator schtick - Herb Scannell arguably laid the seed for Nickelodeon’s later decline from the 2000s and onward with his big push for safe, more corporate shows with an easy audience draw. Though this would secure the network’s place as top dog in the short term (the late 90s/early 2000s - with the premiere of shows like SpongeBob Squarepants and The Fairly OddParents) it would arguably cost them in the long term. This is a subject I am personally fascinated by and would like to explore in another “Context” post in the future - as Nickelodeon’s downfall is arguably unique compared to other channels like Cartoon Network and Disney Channel - which mainly fell off due to the decline of television in general.
[3] This is OTL. Kurt Cobain had an undiagnosed chronic stomach condition that resulted in chronic bronchitis and intense physical pain. This was a big motivation for him taking a lot of drugs in the first place. That and his family’s history of depression and suicide of course.
[4] In Utero was of course that attempt to get back to the band’s punk roots.
[5] This is of course Nirvana’s appearance on Saturday Night Live in 1992, where they performed “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Territorial Pissings”. The morning after, Kurt suffered a near-fatal overdose of heroin - being resuscitated by Courtney Love. ITTL, even though Courtney Love’s relationship with Kurt is butterflied - Kurt manages to be saved - but came closer to death.
[6] Marijuana was Kurt’s first recreational drug experience, having done it at age 13 in 1980. He later went on to try heroin in 1986.
[7] The media sphere at the time called Kurt Cobain a spokesman for Generation X. Kurt hated this, as he was more invested in the artistry of being in a band.
